Tuesday, December 2, 2008

not sure I have the drive

So, for those who don't already know, I used to sing professionally. In my B.C. years, otherwise known as Before Children. Opera. Yep, opera. It was never the most important thing in my life, but it was something I loved and I was pretty good. Very young, so I had room to improve. 

Then, you know, life happened. We didn't plan to have children, but I am so grateful that we did. I started back to singing on the operatic stage when Matthew was about three. Then, found out I was pregnant again...with twins. That put singing right back to the bottom of the list!

Fast forward to now. I have been fortunate to find local outlets for my desire to sing and perform, and even get paid to do it. That said, I live in a small city, where there isn't that much call for opera. So, I don't really get to "do that thing I do" very often. However, in the last year I have really decided to focus on doing it again, and I have been working on getting back into 'classical' vocal shape. Hard work, but mostly satisfying. My plan is to make an audition CD, send around to symphonies and such and see about getting concert work. Opera requires too much travel, and my boys are still young, and still need me at home. And, frankly, I need to be at home with them.

But there are days when I really wonder if it is that important to me. Do I have the drive that I will need to do this? Have I gotten too complacent and accustomed to not doing it? I did a performance recently in PA that I really loved doing, but now that is over, I am not pining for another performance. 

And then there is the flip side to that. I do really love singing, and getting to do something that is so special. And when it is good, it can be amazing! And glorious, and uplifting, and invigorating, and energizing, and an incredible way to connect with others. 

But do I want it badly enough? I think, for me, that is the question. And maybe the answer. Yes, I could have the drive, and I have the gift - sorry, don't mean that to sound snooty, but it is true. I have been given a gift and I do want to use it, but not sure how. I have been told that, with a voice like mine, I have a responsibility to sing. But I can do that on the street corner, or in a church, or the local dinner theater, or community theater, for that matter. But to do what I have been trained to do means singing somewhere else, or coming into a lot of money so I can rent a hall and hold concerts! 

Where, oh, where is my Magic 8 Ball when I need it??! Or maybe a crystal ball would be better...should have stopped by that fortune teller's booth in New Orleans, after all.

Ah well, just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for tagging along.


SandyL said...

I think you have just answered your own question.. We as mom put things on the back burner to take care of our kids.. Sounds like singing opera would take you away more.. If you are fulfilled doing the other singing and acting...at home.. I would say go for that...

Kelley said...

Most likely, you are right. But part of me says that I have to give it a shot, so that in ten years from now I am not "what if"-ing, KWIM? *sigh*